My entry into motherhood was a failure to thrive. The first 10 months of Bailey’s life felt like I was running on a treadmill from 6:00am to 8:30pm; it was 14 hours straight of go-go-go. Every night I had one quick hour to stretch and try to enjoy some me time. I was exhausted, depleted and not enjoying life. My day was filled with caring for Bailey, cleaning, cooking dinner, grocery shopping or running errands, 50 minutes of exercise on my prep period (no warm up or cool down), walking the dogs and working from 9:00am – 3:30pm. There had to be a better way. Around the time she turned 10 months old, I started searching the web for helpful resources. My search was inspired by the Happiness Project. a book that is sitting on my night stand. I truly enjoyed this book so I started looking for a Happiness Project for moms. I stumbled upon some incredible resources that are continually transforming me and giving me the tools and resources to thrive.
Here are some of the things I learned and some of the powerful changes I have made.
Realization #1: More time is not the answer.
Quote from The Empowered Mama Book, “How many times have you wished for more hours in the day? Poof! I’ve just given you three more hours. How would you use them? Would you exercise more? Meditate? Play? I doubt it. I suspect your mind went right to your to do list, getting more chores and day-to-day tasks done. And anyway, having more time is just a fantasy, right?
Wrong. The truth is that we have all been given more time. Think about how much time technology has given us through efficiencies. We don’t have to get up to turn the channel on the television. (Yes, I am that old.) We can order things online and barely even go to the store. We have more time, but he problem is that we fill those hours with the same old stuff. Stuff that does not feed our souls,” (page 46).
This a hugely important realization for me. More time was not the answer, working less was not really going to solve my exhaustion, plus I like my job and have bills to pay. Somehow I needed to do less of the housework and care and have more time for me and fun.
Realization #2: I need to delegate. From this book I learned that I needed to delegate so I could make more space for what I cherish. Joy, peace and happiness are my priorities, yet on a daily basis I was lucky if I got 30 minutes towards those goals. That was not working for me and was not going to be acceptable for the next school year. Plus, at the end of my life people are not going to remember me for keeping a clean house or because I got the laundry done every week, so why are these tasks taking so much of my time? The takeaway: be more efficient with my time and do less of these tasks.
Small Changes for a Big Impact:
Change #1: Walking the dogs during Bailey’s bath time.
Every night Scott gives Bailey a bath after dinner and puts her down for bed. Last school year, I would use this time to start cleaning up around the house and doing dishes. Not this year. Now I use this time to take the dogs for a walk. Previously, I was racing home from school to get the dogs walked before picking up Bailey or if I ran out of time, I was taking her on the walks which was really unpleasant. This has been a nice change for everyone. Scott and Bailey get focused one-on-one time and don’t have to deal with the dogs getting in their faces. The dogs get focused attention, a lot of salami (because we are working on training) and I get to enjoy a mostly peaceful walk which is a great way to wind down the day. By the time we get back, the dishes and kitchen clean up is most of the way done and lunches for the next day are packed! A true win-win.
Change #2: Doing my exercise with Bailey
Nowadays my exercise is a 50 minute walk four days a week. Last school year, I squeezed this in during my prep period between teaching 4th and 6th. This year my prep is still 5th period but I don’t have a 6th because I am part time. I really wanted to maximize that 2 hour window and didn’t want to spend one hour of it exercising. Therefore I decided to start doing my exercise with Bailey when I pick her up at 4:30. This has been helpful because I still get the exercise done, get to maximize my time before picking her up and she gets some down time. The days that we don’t walk, she is kind of crazy and whiny because she gets over stimulated and tired. The only downside is Bailey sucks her thumb when she is in the stroller and I have been very unsuccessful of breaking her of that habit. Overall this is a win and we usually stop by the playground on our walk home.
Change #3: Meal planning Saturday morning
I have usually taken all of the food burden which was a mostly enjoyable task when I wasn’t a parent. Now that we have Bailey, food shopping, prep and cooking is not where I want to spend my child free time. Bailey and I can go grocery shopping together but it is almost impossible to cook with her around because she wants to be held the entire time you are in the kitchen (20+ lbs) and gets mad if you don’t give her everything that is out (including raw chicken and other items). At this point, it has become a very frustrating experience so I try to do all of the cooking and prep before I pick her up. Despite these challenges, it is still really important to me that we eat healthy.
Therefore, Scott and I have started meal planning Saturday morning and will go Whole Foods between Bailey’s naps. If we need to go to Costco, Bailey and I will go one day after daycare. I used to run to numerous grocery stores on my way home from work but all of those side trips add up. By doing it together on Saturday, we get to spend time together as a family and share this task (i.e. it doesn’t come out of my personal time). We are also working on developing a list of 20-40 dinner meals that we can cycle through over the course of two months. Every other week I will cook something new for the joy of eating seasonally but having a go to list saves us a lot of time so we can spend more time having fun.
I also have been smart about any errands that need to be run. For example, if we need dog food, I plan to get it Saturday morning when we go to Bailey’s gym class because Petco is next to class. Last year I would grab it on my way home but that doesn’t make sense if we are going to be there on Saturday anyways. Plus pairing the activity and errand together saves 20+ minutes because even if the trip is “on the way home” it still adds 20 minutes to the commute.
So far these changes been a great success.
Change #4: Planning out my week, scheduling my projects and setting weekly goals that align with my long term goals.
I am someone who always has at least dozen things I would love to do. From stacks for books to read, to building a business, to digging out the dirt in my basement, I never get bored. Right now I have a max of two hours a day to work on my endless project list. Each day I could easily get lost in what I want to accomplish and could probably waste 30 minutes trying to make a decision and worrying about if it is the right project to work on in that moment. Therefore I take 30 minutes each Sunday night to write out my goals and schedule them into my week. This is incredibly helpful because I don’t have to waste time during the week thinking about it. Each day I open my planner and start working through the list that I wrote out on Sunday. It feels really great because I am making small accomplishments towards my goals each day! This definitely feeds my soul.
Change #5: Communicating better and delegating more tasks
Other changes we made for this school year include Scott getting Bailey when she wakes up in the morning around 6:30. This allows me to finish getting ready (I get up at 5:35am), take the dogs for a 10 minute walk (we are working on training) and get them fed. Around 6:50 I usually join them upstairs with Bailey’s milk. We all hang out and read a story then get her dressed and get ready to leave at 7:20 am. This is nice because I get to spend a really present and focused 25 minutes with her in the morning before daycare. Before I was only mildly present with her in the morning because I was trying to finish getting ready and get us out the door.
Second, Scott takes Bailey to daycare on Fridays and then leaves the car at BART. This is a nice shared responsibility and only adds a few minutes to his morning. This allows me to get to school a little earlier one day a week to work on grading.
Bringing more equity into our home will always be a work in progress. Due to our commute imbalances (Scott has a 2.5 hour commute each day compared to my 45 minutes), there will always be an imbalance in how our household responsibilities play out. However, continual conversations about how things are working and ways to improve create more success for both of us.
Three weeks into the school year, I am truly living my year’s motto of joy, peace and happiness. I still have days when I crash and burn and have limited patience but I am only human.
